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Review:
 Back
during the 1960s, the Aurora model kit company penned a deal with
Universal pictures to produce a series of plastic models based on
the movie company's horror films. They, and their competitor
Revell, made lots of money as did such publications as "Famous
Monsters of Filmland." Universal has always treasured the profits
and nostalgia that continue to be generated by these films of the
1930s and ‘40s.
However, time marches on and the kiddies have to reintroduced
to the properties every decade or two, so with the "Mummy" remake
and its sequel having been major hits, the powers that be at
Universal/Vivendi have decided to give "Mummy" director Stephen
Sommers the job of giving the rest of the crew the facelift and
thus be able to sell all those licensed tchotchkies.
So, first we have to revamp that stodgy old vampire hunter, Dr.
Von Helsing….
Face it. Sommers’s two "Mummy" films were pure camp. What made
them work was the fact that they were primarily slapstick mixed
with CG eye candy. Brendan Frasier is a gifted comedian so and was
able to carry off most of the bad jokes. But Hugh Jackman who
plays Gabriel Van Helsing, the ages old wandering Jew(?) and the
Catholic Church’s amnesiac monster slayer, doesn’t have the
comedic touch Fraiser does.
Okay: We start the film in 1887 Paris, where our hero is on the
trail of the notorious Dr Jeckell(voice of Robbie Coltrain) in his
CGI Mr. Hyde role. It’s not that bad but we’ve seen it before, no
real thrills here, but it’s workmanlike. But that’s not what we
want. We want an adreniline rush unlike we’ve ever seen.
We don’t get that, however. We do get to the Vatican, where our
hero is given absolution by the Church and a sidekick named friar
Carl(David Wenham), who’s supposed to be Q to Van’s 007. They are
told that in Transylvania, Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) is up
to no good, having hired Dr. Frankenstein(Samuel West) to create a
monster(Shuler Hensley) in the prologue for some unnamed
nastiness.
Also, we are told that for four hundred years Drac has been
hunted by Valarius family and that if our villain outlives the
last of the line, Anna (Kate Beckinsale) and Velkan(Will Kemp),
the souls of the entire family will be kicked out of heaven! So
off to the Kingdom of Romania Van and Carl go, only to discover
that Vellcon has been turned into a warewolf and is under the
control of ol’ Drac and his three brides(Elena Anaya, Silvia
Colloca and Josie Maran), who are actually given something to do
this time?
…and what about Igor(Kevin J. O'Connnor)? He gets all the best
lines! It’s a comedy, I think…
The problem with this is that the jokes are too few and
generally don’t work. The maguffin [thousands of dead baby vampire
in cocoons being brought back to life] is somewhat original, but
the damn thing doesn’t do much more than go blindly about it’s
paces and is even boring at times. But for the most part, it’s
decent eye candy, and is best views when under the influence of
illegal intoxicants.
Eric Lurio
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