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Review:
 Congratulations
to Michael Roesch and Elan Mastai!!! These two fellows have
managed to get their gawd-awful script produced!!!! Not only that,
they got a distributor, too. I would say "Good for YOU!!! But this
is such an astoundingly bad film that I’m not sure if this sort of
achievement should be celebrated.
This film is based on a video game. Why exactly they would want
to do that again after every other video game movie has bombed is
a mystery, but they went ahead and did it anyway.
We begin in ol’ BF, where a bunch of orphans have been
kidnapped by an evil scientist and an evil nun, that is except for
one, Edward Carnby(who’ll grow up to be Christian Slater), who is
hiding in an electrical generator of some sort in a shed. Cut to
the present day, where Edward is now a retired paranormal
investigator who’s looking for artifacts from lost Atlantis,
called Abskani as even the morons this film was made for wouldn’t
believe it. Having found same, our hero returns home, where
somehow the evil Professor Hudgens(William Sanderson), has found
out what he’s got and sends an immortal baddie to kill him.
This would be at least fun if the chase was done right, but it’s
not, and as we’ve been giggling at the horrible dialogue since the
opening scroll [I’ve not heard such gaffaws since at least
‘Battlefield Earth’], it’s difficult to stop now.
Our hero then goes to the local Indian culture museum, which is
run by our hero’s old flame, Dr. Aline Cedrac(Tara Reid), who
appears to be either half-asleep or on drugs. Now I’ve seen Ms.
Reid in other stuff before, and she’s a competent, and on occasion
even good, but THIS….ewwwwwwwwwwwww….
Then comes the marines. Okay, not the marines, but the top
secret branch 713, which are kind of like Ghostbusters with rocket
launchers. Why they come is that the monster from the other side,
who’ve destroyed the Abkini ten thousand years before. It really
doesn’t matter what’s going on, as we’ve got monsters who look
like "Alien XIV" and most of the film are our heroes and 713
leader Commander Richards (Stephen Dorff) fighting the monsters in
an old abandoned gold mine.
I’m amazed that the whole thing was so boring. They do this
sort of thing rather well on "Stargate SG1" so why can’t these
people? The ending makes no sense at all, which explains the
title, which doesn't either.
Others have said that Uwe Boll is the next Ed Wood. This may be
a complement, if you think about it. Nahh….that would only give
you a headache. In fact, the film will give you a headache. So
avoid it at all costs.
Eric Lurio
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