I Hate Shopping in NYC

By Rachel Sokol/Greenwich Village Gazette

absolutely hate department stores, which is ironic, considering I reside in Manhattan, the shopping capital of the world.

But it's very true--ask my closest friends and family. They'll tell ya--I can't stand shopping. And lately I have pinpointed exactly why. But it's department stores that REALLY annoy me and make me wish I just stayed home in bed.

Don't get me wrong--I like to look good and I love clothes. I have even worked at a few fashion magazines and I like magazine fashion spreads. It's the actual act of shopping itself, and the anxiety that department stores trigger within me, that have made me hate shopping over the years. But I enjoy shopping for men since clothes MAKE the man and I love a well-groomed guy.

Manhattan is full of department stores, of course. In the Big Apple we've got SAKS, Macy's, Bloomingdales, Lord & Taylor, Bergdorf's, Barneys...even Century 21, Orva, H&M and a million GAPs and Banana Republics. Both my office and my apartment are just two subway stops from the UES Bloomingdales, so sometimes I do pop into Bloomie's, especially since I relocated to the East Side. (There is also a Bloomingdales in SoHo which replaced the uber-hip store, "Canal Jeans" which closed a few years ago and which I miss dearly)

To me, fighting your way through Bloomingdales is like running INTO the crowd racing OUT of a baseball game--virtually impossible. There are so many people and so many bright lights AND SO MANY "Medium Brown Bag," shopping bags I start to feel dizzy the minute I walk in. (Using a different entrance everytime--why do department stores have so many entrances and exits?)

I'm easy to please when it comes to shopping. Really. This is also why I have no problem shopping alone. I can buy exactly what I want without dragging someone else around a store with me. I can do my own thing.

First of all, I cannot walk into Bloomies without thinking of the Tom Hank's forgotten classic film, "Splash," in which mermaid-turned-human Daryl Hannah (as, "Madison") hails a cab that takes her to Bloomingdales where she watched television all day and learns English. So already I enter Bloomingdales with a vision of Daryl Hannah doing calistenics in front of TVs. And this vision simply reminds me that in the midst of shopping chaos, there is indeed humor.

Sunday afternoon I was on a mission. I had a gift certificate to Bloomies and I knew exactly what I wanted to buy. I am really rare like that--you know, for a woman. I HATE to shop and I always know exactly what I wanted--the latest Escada perfume and some eye-makeup from Benefit. And that was it. I already knew I didn't have the money to buy new clothes since Christmas and Hanukkah shopping recently depleted my bank account. So I wouldn't even torture myself by looking at clothes I couldn't afford. Perfume and Benefit Oooh-La-Lift. That was ALL I was buying. Of COURSE I needed new jeans and OF COURSE I REALLY wanted to look at shoes, but I hate big stores so much I backed away this time.

I didn't think Bloomies would be so crowded the Saturday RIGHT after New Years but WHO WAS I KIDDING? It was packed! The minute I walked into the entrance that throws Coach bags into your face (Coach...*sigh*...) I knew I had to get out of there--fast.

It was incredibly hot inside of Bloomies. I was wearing a 'lighter' winter coat but I felt like I was sweating like a piglet. I took off my coat and scarf and started fanning myself with a magazine I was carrying on me. What is with all these lights? All they do is jump the temperature. Water....water....water...I wiped a sweat bead off my forehead. Okay, girl, focus, I tell myself...trying to ignore the shiny glares on the floor of Bloomingdales. You can zip in and out of her in 45 minutes if you JUST focus. But then the questions arise...Why are there a MILLION tourists here? GO HOME. Why can't I afford ANY of this? Why are dogs allowed in Bloomies? Where do they have SEVEN jeans? Why is the floor so freaking shiny? The bright lights and the bright floor were staring to give me a headache. I wrapped my jacket in my arms and squinted my eyes until I made my way to the perfume section. I stopped to look at some Kate Spade wallets along the way that were not on sale, of course. There are a million people in my way from Kate Spade to the perfumes. I politely dodge them all, apologing as I squeeze by them and their huge shopping bags with smiley-mouths on them. (It was some sort of holiday bag)

I finally reach the perfume sections and now I'm REALLY pissed. I've been here for what, fifteen minutes, and already the shiny floor and the shiny ceiling and the Ashlee Simpson music and the perfume-sample-spritzes in my face and the CROWDS and the HEAT are starting to get to me. I have no idea where the Escada perfums are. I see miles and miles of perfumes and smiling salespersons...Calvin Klein, J'Adore, Michael Kors....I accept samples politely from salespeople but I cannot seem to find Escada. And really, what am I supposed to do? Go up to the Givenchy counter and say, "Where's Escada?" They would give me a look like. "Ohhh, you won't buy OUR brand but you'll buy THAT brand?"

I enjoy collecting perfume samples but I have a really bad cold and I'm starting to get claustrophobic. And YES, that new Calvin Klein scent is great, but do I really want to smell like apples all day? After slowly walking around each perfume counter, I FINALLY find Escada! I make my gift certificate purchase and fight through ANOTHER crowd towards the cosmetics section. By now I am so hot I want to faint...Is it a million degrees in here??? I also REALLY want to look at shoes but I just can't tolerate an escalator right now. I hate taking like, 4 escalators in a row. It just annoys me, especially since half the time I can't even locate the damn escalators. You need like a month and a half to REALLY shop EVERY floor and EVERY section of Bloomies.

Once again I am tossed into rows and rows of cosmetic brands but cannot find Benefit. Once again, I refuse to walk up to a Stila rep and go, "Where's Benefit?"

I circle the cosmetics twice, squeezing my way through crowds and silently praying that I do NOT faint from the heat and from claustrophobia. I FINALLY find Benefit and buy my eye goo. The music is this section of Bloomies is catchy--the music is different in every department on every floor--and suddenly I have an urge to race over to the escalator and look at Laundry dresses and Michael Stars tops. I can really use some new black pants too...

But the crowds intensify and my impatient side kicks into gear. Let's face it--I am NOT very patient. The idea of fighting through the crowd again with all the clothing racks in my face and shiny floors blinding my eyes does not appeal to me in the least. Also, I CANNOT handle a dressing room right now, especially waiting on line for one. (Rachel HATES waiting on lines) So I head out the nearest exit, which is a totally different door I came in from...and am grateful for the "fresh" air outside. (As fresh as you can get for NYC and a subway grate at my feet.) I put my jacket back on and run to a deli for some water. I just can't go back in there today. Too crazy. Macy's is even worse because all their clothing racks and pushed tightly together, making it harder to walk around.

I survived another shopping excursion and lived to tell about it. Till next time...

Visit Poetry Magazine .com Today!