at
people are really suing the fast food companies for making them fat
aren’t they? I’ve gotta be honest, I’m routing for those tubby-butted
creampuffs. Their victory will set a legal precedent, which I plan to
exploit. If they win, I’m suing the makers of reality TV for destroying
my marriage. Oh it hasn’t happened yet. I’m even more in love with my
wife, Lauren, than on the day we were wed. But if things don’t change
soon, I predict very bad things to come.
I gave up on – no, all out boycotted – reality TV after the
first incarnation of The Mole, in which the most incompetent
player won because he was so incompetent. By now my close friends
are rolling their eyes. They’ve heard this rant before. But seriously,
if somebody is going to win a million dollars in front of a national
audience, he’d better be at least as smart or talented at
something as I am. Trust me, that’s not asking a lot.
So, I began my reality boycott two years ago and have led a
Survivor-free, Bachelor-free, Idol-free, Brother-free,
Personality-free and Fear-free life ever since. As you can
probably guess, I didn’t watch much TV this season. That’s okay. Gave me
time to read Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. You’d
think a self-imposed reality fast would have shielded me from the
horrors of back-stabbing, husband-hunting, bile-swilling hotties in
bathing suits. But no.
American Idol was always on right before 24 on Tuesdays,
and I’d be subjected to the final two minutes after switching over from
Buffy. Every week I’d have to stomach one-hundred and twenty
seconds of Adobe and Pastrami singing their asses off, trying to sound
like Luther Vandross – even if they were singing an AC/DC song.
Everywhere I turned, there were commercials for this new show and that
new show, each with their own promise of a twist and a scandal:
One man. Ten Women. On a pirate ship. Which one will he choose? And
who will walk the plank? And what will he do when he finds out that one
of them is… his sister?!? And what will she do when she
finds out… he’s actually gay?!? And what will the other
nine do when they find out… he’s not really gay, but is in fact…
a water buffalo… who happens to be worth twenty-million
dollars?!? Find out tonight on… American Buccaneers!!!!
Always with the cute names they are. Why don’t they just be honest and
name the shows what they really are: Survivor in a Hotel; Survivor in
a Marriage; Survivor with a Fake Millionaire; Survivor for people
who can kind of Sing; Survivor where they make you eat things that are
really Gross.
After The Mole, I just started ignoring them. But then Fox
started peppering commercials for Temptation Survivor all
throughout episodes of 24. Now the airwaves are absolutely
saturated with reality commercials. I can’t even watch reruns of
Seinfeld or Dharma & Greg without seeing a commercial for
hard-bodied wannabe actors (who may or may not be transvestites)
swimming through feces for a wife and a million bucks. Every ad I see –
and I do mean every one – is met with a deep huff, a roll of the
eyes and an, "Oh my God." It’s starting to get on my wife’s
nerves. "Just shut up about the TV, would you!" I thought she was just
sick of hearing me complain. Turns out, she’s been taking it personally.
Yes, I walked in one night to discover my blushing bride watching
Survivor with a Bachelor. "Oh Lauren," is all I could manage. It was
such a betrayal – the wife of a writer, watching a show without
(supposedly) one scrap of written dialogue. Once I’d caught her in the
act, she didn’t bother concealing her secret lust any further. Now,
every night, there she is, watching Big Survivor, Dog Eat
Survivor, Who Wants to Marry My Survivor, and Am I a Hot
Survivor. She no longer greets me with, "Hi Honey," but with, "Don’t
even start!"
I’m trying to bite my tongue, but the tension is mounting. If this
fad doesn’t go away soon, I fear for our future. So consider yourself
warned, reality TV makers. If my marriage fails, I’m coming after you.
And should my depression cause me to put on forty or fifty pounds, I may
just join the fast food class action as well.
