Flavin's Corner
By Rick Flavin |
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A Fear of Flatulency
and other post-3/11 frivolities
Storm on the Sea of Galilee;
Rembrandt van Rijn, 1633
(whereabouts
unknown).
Jesus is said to have rebuked the wind
(Mark 4:39) and stilled a storm on the Sea of Galilee (a.k.a.
Lake
Kinneret), yet I’m uneasy with applying a contemporary metaphor and
advance a claim that he broke wind. In the gospel accounts of Jesus
casting out demons I assume that varying degrees of
mephitical madness were present among the afflicted. Jesus was
accused (Mark 3:21-30) during his brief public ministry of being possessed
by Beelzebub (II
Kings 1:2-17) and of having an “unclean spirit,” but the allegations
weren't substantiated and the unforgiven accusers were cursed befitting
those who commit an eternal sin (see
Didache 11:7). Ultimately, it’s unknown if Jesus had a fear of
flatulence. It's almost certain that the gospel authors did and I must
confess to personally being more than a little concerned that, at times, I
might accidently let one rip in public. Jesus probably didn’t care about
such things and certainly wasn’t ashamed of much. I guess that’s why I’ve
always looked up to the guy.
The shock and awe experienced after the
March 11th terrorist bombings in Spain faded too quickly. That the
murders of nearly 200 innocents could be overshadowed by media and
political opinion is yet another cruel example of global
adult ADD. Those
affected bluster on and storm normality with all the certitude of the
nightly news predicting that tomorrow will never come. Prime
Minister-elect Jose Luis Rodriquez Zapatero has pledged to order all
sons of Spain to leave Iraq if the United Nations doesn’t get more
involved. Perhaps it’s for the best, as every leader should be given as
much rope for personal use as is needed.
The day after the Madrid commuter train
bombings a claim of responsibility was published in
Al Quds al Arabi, a
London-based Arabic language newspaper with a pronounced bias in support
of fringe bad-boys like Saddam and Osama. Many steadfastly disbelieved
the claim and preferred instead that the
ETA and
other Basque independence movements be responsible. Written over the
signature of the
Abu Hafs
al Masri Brigades, a division of
Al Qaeda, the
statement contained the following braggadocio and taunts:
The death squad (of the Abu
Hafs Al-Masri Brigades) succeeded in penetrating the crusader European
depths to strike one of the pillars of the crusader alliance - Spain -
with a painful blow. These bomb attacks were part of settling old scores
with the crusader Spain for its war against Islam.
Where is America to protect
you today, Aznar. Who is going to protect you, Britain, Italy, Japan and
other hirelings from us?
“Aznar” would be Spain’s current Prime
Minister, Jose Maria Aznar, who overwhelming lost his bid for reelection
two days after the claim of responsibility was published. The statement
also contained terrorist trash-talk against the US, threatening:
We would like to announce to
all Muslims in the world that 90% of the preparations of operation "Wind
of Black Death" designed to be performed in America has finished and will
be performed soon, God willing (at the
Mujahidin's
convenience). Believers will celebrate the victory of God.
Warning to the nation:- Avoid
being close to the civil and military installations of America and its
allies. [Note: English
translation from
Al Jazeera.net.]
The mention of “settling old scores with
the crusader Spain” should have inveigled
Madonna
and the dilettantish
neo-kabbalists
from the mystical miasma of
911 days between 9/11 and 3/11. In 711, just 79 years after the death
of
Mohammed, Muslims invaded Spain and by 718 the
Reconquista
had begun with the goal to force Muslims back. Ferdinand and Isabella,
the Reyes Católicos or "Catholic
Monarchs," ended the "Reconquest" by capturing Granada and defeating
the last Muslim occupiers on January 2, 1492. Later that year, on the
night of August 2nd, the participants in a unique maritime adventure
(apocryphally said to have been funded in part from the sale of
Isabella's
jewelry) were ordered aboard their ships, though they weren't due to
sail until the following morning. Some believe this was done because by
royal edict any
Jews remaining in Spain after July 31st, no matter the excuse, would be
subject to arrest and execution, and
if some
of the sailors were Jewish they would have already been at risk. On
October 12th, 1492 the investment of the Catholic Monarchs paid off with
the discovery of the New World (later, known as the Americas) by Columbus
and the men of his 3 caravels. Of importance to numerologists: during the
774 years of the Reconquista, the 8 major crusades of
Christendom against the Muslims were undertaken between 1095 and 1270.
Also -- no sixes. [Note: For a brief
overview of non-celebrity kabbalah, click
here.]
In much the same way as critics currently
accuse foreign meddling in the Mideast to be based on an insatiable greed
for oil, some hold to the opinion that the crusades were launched to seize
economic control of shipping across the Mediterranean Sea and the cry of “Deus
volt” (L. “God wills it”) was just a catchy slogan. In the
eleventh century Europe began to grow up, put on some weight and the
crusades were a way for the loose union of feudal states to flex their
newly acquired might. It was awkward at first, with many setbacks and
failures, but eventually Europe got the hang of things. Actually, with
the Spanish Inquisition, it went far beyond hanging. Anywho, the divers
cultures and economies which combined to form the beginnings of the
familiar European nations we recognize today came into their own at
different times, fought and made peace over and over again, and now seem
committed to moving ahead as friends and not enemies. Europe’s history is
complex and filled with darkness, light and many of those all too human
gray areas in between. 711 and the Muslim invasion of Europe? Plunder,
booty, goods gained through force. Simple. [Note:
Armstrong, Karen. Islam: a short history. New York: Modern
Library/Random House, 2000; pp. 29 and 30.]
Our word ‘crusade’ is now
used to describe any zealous movement for a particular cause, but its
etymology as traced through the Old French croisée (p.p.
fem. of croiser, to take the cross < It.
crociata; LL. cruciata < L. crux,
crucis, a cross) betrays its Christian origin. Not long after
the first known English usage of ‘crusade’ in the 16th century, Miguel de
Cervantes Saavedra published his classic
Don Quixote de la Mancha
(1605, 1615), which later gave rise to the word ‘quixotic' (to be
impractically chivalrous or engage in a romantically idealistic
endeavor). Christendom didn’t do that well with their 8 crusades and were
rather quixotic about the whole affair.
Four-Color Comics
#805; Dell Comics, 1957.
As part of the 1948 NBC special, The
Comic Strips of Television, ‘crusade’ and ‘quixotic’ were joined
by Alex Anderson and Jay Ward (who later achieved fame with
Rocky & His Friends
and The Bullwinkle Show) with the introduction of a couple
of animated animals who traveled to Texas to protect jack rabbits from
malicious hunters.
Crusader
Rabbit was received well enough for NBC to order full
production and from 1949 to 1951 almost two hundred black and white short
episodes aired on various children’s shows, earning the show the
distinction of being the first television cartoon series. In 1957 the
series was brought back with color episodes, for those fortunate
households who could afford a color television receiver, but didn’t
generate the excitement of the original series. Reruns of Crusader
Rabbit were shown in syndication for many years afterwards,
however, allowing other generations to experience the serendipitous
association of the Christian crusades with bunny rabbits.
In much of Christendom, notably those
countries which have developed a Romance language or whose people were
converted to Christianity early, the celebration of the resurrection of
Jesus is named after the Hebrew
Pesach
or Passover holiday (Gk. Pasca, L. Pascha, F.
Pâques, It. Pasqua, Span. Pascua,
etcetera). However, in many countries which have a Germanic
language or were influenced by the traditions and customs of the early
Germanic tribes (Icel. Páske, Norw. Påske, and
Scot. Pask being examples of exceptions) the name given for
the feast of the holiest day of the Christian calendar is
Easter or a
variation.
The Venerable Bede
(b. 672/673, d. 735), the "Father of English History," wrote that the
fourth month of the Anglo-Saxon calendar was called "Esturmonath," after
Estre (var.
Eostre
or Oestre), a Teutonic goddess whose festival was celebrated in the
spring. Contrary to Bede, some have attempted to trace the etymology of
‘Easter' to the Greek goddess of the dawn,
Eos, while still others
suggest that both names are derived from the Indo-European root,
awes or aus (“to shine”), which became the Latin
aurora ("dawn") and ‘east’ in Old English, the direction of the
rising sun.
Bold
roosters,
castrated transgendered
and the French.
The tradition of colored
Easter eggs has
often been explained as a celebration of the lifting of a
Lenten
prohibition, which is sometimes combined with unlikely pre-Christian
pagan
metaphors and allegories. Though the
alektora crowed thrice to embarrass Peter (Mark 14:30) and the
Romans are said to have been able to tell time with their
cocks, the
domestic fowl or chicken (OE. cicen < Du.
kieken < G. kucklein < OSlav. kukuta
and L. cucurio< Pers. khuras < Sk.
kukata) in Europe before medieval times was rare, exotic and
usually used for
sport
or
divination. This is not to say that chickens weren't eaten or their
eggs used, but as a novelty food it was reserved for the wealthy and
largely unknown to the peasant class. In springtime the wild birds of the
forest would begin to lay their eggs and were probably edible treasures
prized by the poor.
 
Pre-hasenpfeffer
Easter
coney à la Mel Gibson and a yummy chocolate bunny.
A model of eggs as seasonal goodies makes
sense because of the fertility of spring and the association of the
hare (or rabbit) with the resurrection of Jesus requires a similar
application of skeptical inquiry. In a secular world influenced by the
works of Frazer,
Graves and
Campbell, few would object to labeling the hare as a totem animal to a
fecund and vernal goddess and think nothing of accepting the suggestion
that Christianity was indifferent to the conjoining of pagan iconography
with the holiest day of their faith. It’s not that we shouldn’t be
thankful to
Jim,
Bob and
Joe for showing us the similarities of
divers ancient customs and beliefs, but matters needn’t be so
conspiratorial and fantastic. As the winter snows melt and spring arrives
with warmth and a renewed hope for a better year than last, the warrens
are bustling with bunnies and if a hunter knows a thing or three about
traps, fresh meat would find its way to the family table. Sure,
Peter
Cottontail on a plate or
peta isn’t as cute as some today might like, but it’s about repast and
a real past, not regrets or mythic, revisionist history.
And following a scrumptious repast, most
will indulge in the passing of
gas, though some less
offensively than others. The threatened Al Qaeda “Wind of Black Death”
(see Abu Hafs al Masri Brigades statement above) calls into question any
benefits of a strict halal
diet. Bro. Zimmerman of
Mini-Soda taught his friends where to look for the
answer, but that was
before Internet search-engines. That a whiff might kill many Americans is
enough for me to strongly encourage a preemptive
Beano. I might let loose my fear of
flatulence at some point, though I’m sure if I do I’ll be alone and
equipped with plenty of air-freshener.
held hostage by the humorists,
Rick
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